my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌ï¸
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
