The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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