So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
jump out the window naked night went bad
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
