We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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