I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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