its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
