OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
