I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
