He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In other news, I just burned my penis
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
