Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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