I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
