Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
