Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
