you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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