he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
