i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
