my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
