you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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