she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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