Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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