Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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