I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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