apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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