Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm like, not good at living.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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