these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
