I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
