my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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