I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
