The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
