are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
