I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
