I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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