officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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