well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
