Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
