I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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