please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
