if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
