I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
