She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
