no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
