I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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