can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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