Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
