just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
