I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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