hell yes lets make some ravioli
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
