Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
