Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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