It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
