i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
