as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
