Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
