i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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