Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
