Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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