my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
