Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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