you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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