Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
