the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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